Bizarro Beer Catalog

 

Funhouse Brews is looking for authors to submit 150-300 word beer recipes for its 2017 catalog. Don’t forget to give your beer a name!

 

Funhouse Brews has the ability to source ingredient from literally every known form of matter, corporeal and hyperreal, abstract concepts, and hallucinations. So, feel free to include these in your recipe. If you wish to describe a process unique to your recipe, Funhouse Brews is literally omnipotent. I cannot stress this enough. Could God create a beer so thirst-quenching that he himself could only drink but one? Funhouse Brews could. Here are some ordinary things that go on in the production of beer that may be tweaked to give your beer its signature character:

 

Mash – steeping milled grain and optional ingredients in hot water for an extended period of time, usually one hour.

 

Sparge – rinsing the mash with hot water to extract sugar and flavor.

 

Boil – cooking the liquid for an hour with hops that are added at different times, usually for one hour. Additional ingredients may be added at the end of the boil in the hot “wort” for flavor.

 

Fermentation – After cooling, the wort is introduced to a culture of yeast that eats the sugar, converting most of it to alcohol. For sour beers, sometimes bacteria is introduced.

 

Secondary Fermentation – Sometimes the finished beer is stored with flavor/hops ingredients for an extended time after finishing, to introduce flavor and/or more sugars.

 

If you want tips on how to describe a typical beer, here are some of the review categories:

 

Color – both hue and clarity, may include appearance of the head/foam.

Aroma – the smelly part

Flavor – the drinky part

Mouthfeel – the “body” of a beer, the thickness, finish, carbonation, etc.

Serving temperature – beer changes flavor at different temperatures.

Experience – the overall impression, metaphors, analogies, you’re an author, go for it.

 

You do not need to explicitly state a viable customer demographic, but one may be implied. Custom recipes for unique demographics may include:

 

  • Age Group

  • Socio-economic status

  • Political Affiliation

  • Gender

  • Ethnicity

  • Species

  • Time Period (past and future)

  • Planetary System

  • Multiverse Dimension

 

If your recipe is selected for our catalog, we will ask for a picture of you, the author, and will include a brief bio. Your description will appear in a published pamphlet for retailers and will appear on the Funhouse Brews website. Funhouse may include an illustration of a beer label design for your beer. If your recipe is chosen for production, Funhouse Brews indemnifies itself and the author agrees to hold the brewer harmless against any damage caused to the fabric of the cosmos, temporal paradox(es), and accepts 100% responsibility for the consequences of imbibement.

 

Send recipes and descriptions to funhousebrews at our google email address.

 

Deadline: June 1, 2017

 

Payment: $5 on acceptance, plus two contributor copies of the catalog, and you can come on over and fill a growler or two (age restrictions apply) of what we have on tap. Funhouse Brews cannot ship beer, but if we do print labels for empty promotional bottles, we will ship you two labeled empty bottles.